The Seanachai -

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My new filing cabinet is mocking me.

EPISODE SCRIPT:

My new filing cabinet is laughing at me.

No kidding, Every time I touch it, it makes this sound.

Sure, it’s quiet — but it’s there. And it’s mocking me.

It’s a large, five drawer filing cabinet that I purchased for $20 at a secondhand store. It dates from a time when dinosaurs roamed the American business landscape, which explains why it’s made of deck plate from a decommissioned battleship. Seriously, three more pounds and it’s the immovable object.

But hey it was $20 bucks. Coat of spray paint. Good as new.

I bought this filing cabinet because, my other filing cabinet is full. Which means that this one is empty. I’ve got like four files in it. And I think that’s why it’s laughing at me. Because it thinks I will never fill it.

SFX: Cabinet

But it is wrong. It is sooooo very wrong.

SFX : Cab

“Oh yeah, keep laughing. ”

You see the filing cabinet doesn’t know that I’m crazy — and not the cute kind of crazy, like that crazy great uncle of yours with the shaggy eyebrows who drinks gin rickey’s and puts a lampshade on his head to liven up family gatherings “look at me, whooo!”

No, all the way crazy. The crazy like the kid who punches himself in the face before the fight crazy. Crazy like Evil Dead cutting your own hand off because it’s possessed crazy. We’re talking way past the outskirts of loco esse crazy here.

SFX : Cab

Oh yeah cabinet, yuk it up. YOu keep laughing. I’m Crazier than an old lady living in the middle of Kansas with 63 cats in a house built to mimic the hull shape of a New England whaler. And I’m going to choke you with pages.

Typed, handwritten, mimeographed, carved on paving stones — the more you laugh, the more I’m going to write. And you’re going to ingest every last one of them. I’m going to see to that personally.

And then you’ll be too full to move. You’ll sit quietly in the corner — bloated and bustin’ the seams.

And I’ll go get another filing cabinet. And put it where it can get a really good look at you. And see what happens to filing cabinets that laugh at me.

Whattya got to say about that? Hunh? Hunh

SFX : Cab

Just keep laughing. Just keep laughing.