The Seanachai - Flinchy and the Mexican Show Truck

Download this episode

A strange golf-related saga begins.

featuring the dead-pan artistry of P. G. Holyfield of Murder at Avedon Hill

EPISODE SCRIPT

So, I’ve playing golf with PG Holyfield. A few rounds here and there, we even played in a tournament. It’s been great fun.

PG – It’s okay. At least it’s hasn’t rained on us.

And there’s a couple of things you might not know about P.G. Holyfield. 1) his first name isn’t really PG

PG – That would be weird.

It’s Patrick. And 2, he’s an excellent golfer

PG – I’m okay.

No really, his scores generally have names and everything. You know Par, Birdie — I’ve even seen him get an Eagle.

PG — and double bogey.

But still, they have names. The only name the number 9 has on a golf course is shame.

PG — (little laugh)

So the other day we set out with a friend of mine. And we’ll…

PG — it was an adventure

Yeah, it was… uh.

PG — Yeah.

The point is that we can’t sum it up in a single sentence. So we’re going to tell you the story.

PG — And I’m going to make sure he tells you the truth.

Truth? Nobody wants the truth. They want a good story.

PG — Not for non-fiction.

Okay, George Washington, take it away with the truthlesiosity parade.

PG — What?

You start.

PG — So Patrick brings this friend of his along, can we say his real name.

Let’s use a nickname. Let’s call him Finchy.

PG — Flinchy?

No, Finchy, like the bird. What.

PG — It doesn’t make any sense.

It doesn’t have to, it’s a nickname.

PG — but

Nom du plume. Nom du guerre. Nom du histroie.

PG — whatever. We’re playing golf and Patrick brings a friend. We play the first hole. And he seems to play okay. But when we get to the second hole — things fall apart a little.

What are you talking about, you cranked one. Mr. “real deal” holyfield

PG — I was talking about you. And your friend flinchy.

Finchy, Finchy. But I will grant you he was kind of a scared little guy. Anyway my drive wasn’t that bad. I pounded one down the right side.

PG — and then over the right side, into the woods.

Oh, that. That’s not a problem. That’s merely an opportunity for glory.

PG — Glory?

Oh yeah, glory. And you see, if I had gotten it out of there on the green and sank the putt for there for birdie or par

PG — birdie?

or par, think about how demoralized you would have been. I would have won the round right there. Sure it’s a risky play. But think of the reward. Think of the glory.

PG — yeah, but you didn’t make a par.

Well, I — I was a little distracted by events.

PG — yeah. me too.

Because Finchy steps up to the tee. And does something I’ve never seen him do. He swings, and duck hooks one, right onto the road. I mean I couldn’t have been more surprised if his head had fallen off his neck and pez had gone flying everywhere.

PG — that would have surprise me more.

Yeah, but you know what I’m saying. It was unexpected.

PG — not the way you play.

And time went all weird, you know. You know, that moment when the brakes lock in the accident and everything sloooows down.

PG — he hit a truck.

Why do you do that?

PG — he did.

Yeah, but the suspense, the poetry of the moment.

PG — if you keep it up, we’re never going to get through this story.

Yeah, but if I don’t describe it properly, people won’t get it.

PG — He hit a truck in the windshield.

Finchy didn’t hit just any truck. He hit a Mexican show truck. This thing was magnificent. Bright yellow. And exhaust conversion kit that created semi-style smokestack pipey things on a crew-cab. And it was airbrushed all over. Along the side was a lush jungle scene with a Mayan temple, a beautiful native woman and, so help me God, a painting of the truck itself. Clearly, someone loved this this truck.

PG — Don’t forget the golf ball sized crater in the windshield.

Oh and the windshield – it was so tinted, the only thing it reflected was the blackness of men’s souls. You see that?

PG — No, I didn’t see any souls.

No, the foreshadowing. That was foreshadowing.

PG — Un-hunh. So I’d never seen this either. But then something really odd happened. Flinchy jumped into the cart and started screaming at Patrick, “Drive, drive.” and Patrick takes off.

Well, what did I care. I mean that was between Finchy (empahsis) and the driver of the truck. I had a ball in play. In play for glory.

PG — You were an idiot.

Oh come on, how was I supposed to know what was going to happen?

PG — Foreshadowing

Ah, there’s really not any foreshadowing in real life.

PG — tell them what happened next.

What, I got a nine on the hole.

PG — No, with the truck.

I think we’re out of time. It will have to be the next episode.

PG — cliffhangering bastard.

It’s not my fault you talk so much.

PG — me?

MUSIC